


It's About Onions

by LadyDrace



Series: Not!Fic [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Not!Fic, Shrek AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyDrace/pseuds/LadyDrace
Summary: A Not!Fic that basically boils down to: "what if Sterek happened in a Shrek AU?"





	It's About Onions

**Author's Note:**

> This is Not!Fic, absolutely pulled right outta my ass and definitely not betaed. But I still wanna keep all my writing in one place, so here it is.
> 
> [Originally posted here.](http://ladydrace.tumblr.com/post/149405804151/au-idea-derek-as-fiona-stiles-as-shrek-scott-is)

AU idea: Derek as Fiona, Stiles as Shrek, Scott is donkey, Alison/Isaac is the dragon and Kate is king(queen) Farquaad.

Anonymous

 

 

Anon, I’ve been mulling over this ask for a while now, and I like it. I really like it. HOWEVER. I offer to you instead:

Derek: Shrek  
Stiles: Donkey  
Lydia: Fiona  
Jackson: Dragon  
Kate is still the gross, power hungry shithead, lbr  
  


Picture this. Stiles, who is temporarily a donkey (it wasn’t his fault, honest, fairy aunts are so sensitive, seriously), decides not to let that stand in his way in his quest to save the lovely Lydia from the clutches of the nasty dragon! But okay, even before he was a donkey he wasn’t exactly much of a fighter, so he needs muscle. Heeey, there’s an ogre in the swamp! Ogres have muscles, right? And Stiles can _totally_ talk that old green grouch into coming on a whirlwind big city adventure with him, right?! Right!

He definitely tries, anyway, and, okay, those first five or six attempts weren’t great, he’ll be honest, but Derek the grouchy (and surprisingly young) ogre will surely come around soon, right?

It ends up not being necessary, because Kate decides (like Farquaad) that magical creatures are just gross, and sends them all to Derek’s swamp, which, like in the movie, is NOT OKAY. Derek likes his space, o-fucking-kay! And Stiles is still sticking to Derek like a tick, not done working him over, but Derek mostly just ignores Stiles as he stomps off to the castle to complain. Kate just wants the ugly ogre to go away, and decides that being roasted by a dragon would be fitting, so there’s the deal. Go kill the dragon and save the sweet, defenseless princess, and sure, get the swamp back. Her fingers are totally crossed behind her back, but Derek is willing to do pretty much anything at this point.

Stiles, of course, is ecstatic, because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED! KARMA IS GOOD TO HIM, BABY! And so they travel (to a peppy musical track) for a few weeks or whatever, and get reluctantly close and talk about stars and other stupidly romantic things that they completely ruin by arguing literally all the time. 

There are more than a few lessons about karma, though, when they arrive at the castle and it’s not so much a captive princess situation as it is a whipped dragon and weirdly snarky domestic arrangement, involving a library that has Stiles drooling, and quite a bit more math than he feels is necessary. 

Frankly the whole experience makes everyone miserable. Lydia just wants to be left alone, which is why she makes the dragon roast anyone who comes close, Stiles wants Lydia, but she doesn’t want anyone, Derek wants his swamp, but he’s not about to kill a dragon just because it’s rude and weirdly infatuated with its even more rude human “prisoner”. It’s lose/lose/lose really. 

It turns out, though, that Lydia knows Kate. Because Kate was the one who sent her to the dragon, because who knows why. Probably a Snow White situation where Lydia was just prettier and smarter than Kate by a million years, and envy is an ugly thing. And even though Lydia made the best of her situation, she knows what Kate is, and tells Derek with zero regard for his feelings that he’ll never get his gross swamp back, because Kate doesn’t do good things ever. 

But Derek is a fighter, no matter how hopeless the cause, so he’s ready to stomp right back to the castle and take her on, but thankfully he’s in a room with two super smart people who are not afraid to tell a big, beefy ogre to sit the fuck down. 

Stiles is still a little bummed that Lydia is in some kind of arrangement with the dragon (he doesn’t need details, seriously), but he’s not a home-wrecker, okay, so he shelves his plans for wooing her for a while, and focuses on helping Derek, because he knows this grump now, and it’s not fair, okay? They’re totally friends, and Derek is gonna have to accept it one of these days. 

Lydia just wants them all to go away, and eventually decides that the easiest way to do that is to force the reluctant and snappish dragon to go roast a castle with Kate in it. Easy peasy, more time for math equations. 

Of course, nothing goes to plan. Kate is evil and slippery, and no one has their eye on the ball that much. The dragon really wants to “accidentally” roast Stiles as well as Kate, Stiles is sick of being told to stay put and keeps rushing into danger, because Derek is a friend, a dear friend, okay, and Stiles is gonna fight for him! and Derek can’t focus on getting Kate down because he keeps having to literally pull Stiles back by his tail to avoid him getting shot or fried. 

Inevitably, Derek takes an arrow to somewhere painful, and you know that (not entirely logical, but wtvr) idea about pain keeping you human? Yeah, Derek suddenly isn’t an ogre anymore, because he’s a WERE-ogre, who stays green most of the time to scare people off, and Stiles suddenly understands the whole weird-ass onion conversation a whole lot better. And he just took an arrow for Stiles omg, Derek LOVES him, and also, _hell no_ , Derek is not getting to be the martyr here, so Stiles tries to take one for Derek too, but then POOF, no more donkey, because the fairy aunt just really wanted Stiles to stop being an ass (geddit) and this selfless act seals the deal, and all the monsters changing into people is really freaking Kate out, enough so that she gets distracted and Jackson can roast her. 

Allison takes the throne, gives Derek his swamp back, and Stiles just follows him there, because yes, “we’re totally dating now, you took an arrow to the knee (butt/chest/gut/shoulder/whatever) for me, it’s TRUE WUV.”

It’s the weirdest, reluctant courtship in the history of man or ogre, and even staying in green and scary form doesn’t seem to make a difference to Stiles, which leaves Derek at a loss, so it seems easier just to give in. And Stiles isn’t actually horrible (not even a little bit) he just needs to shut up sometimes. 

Kissing shuts him up nicely, as it turns out.

THE END.


End file.
